Supporting children with autism in managing their emotions and behaviors is a cornerstone of effective Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy. Emotional regulation skills help children cope with stress, transitions, and daily challenges. Two key concepts in this area are co-regulation and self-regulation. While closely connected, each plays a unique role in development and long-term independence. Understanding the difference—and how to support both—empowers families, therapists, and educators to help children reach their fullest potential.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is a process where a caring adult or peer helps a child manage their emotions and behaviors. In co-regulation, the adult acts as an external source of comfort and guidance, modeling calmness, empathy, and appropriate responses. For children with autism, who may struggle to recognize or manage strong feelings, co-regulation provides crucial scaffolding.
A caregiver practicing co-regulation might use soothing words, gentle touch, deep breaths, or a calming presence to help a child settle after a meltdown or prepare for a transition. The adult’s regulated state helps the child “borrow” that calmness, learning over time what it feels like to be composed and safe. Co-regulation isn’t about controlling a child’s behavior—it’s about providing the support needed for the child to find their own emotional balance.
What Is Self-Regulation?
Self-regulation is the ability to independently recognize, manage, and respond to one’s emotions and impulses. Children who self-regulate can pause before acting, use coping strategies, and adapt to changing situations without needing external intervention. This skill takes years to develop and often builds on the foundation created through successful co-regulation experiences.
For children with autism, self-regulation may include using tools such as deep breathing, visual schedules, sensory breaks, or positive self-talk. Self-regulation allows children to calm themselves during stressful moments, make good decisions, and participate in daily life with greater confidence and independence.
Why Are Co-Regulation & Self-Regulation Important for Children with Autism?
Many children with autism experience intense emotions or have difficulty interpreting their own internal cues. As a result, they may become overwhelmed by stress, anxiety, or frustration—sometimes leading to meltdowns, avoidance, or challenging behaviors. Co-regulation gives children a reliable safety net during these moments, preventing escalation and helping them feel understood and supported.
As children learn from repeated co-regulation experiences, they gradually internalize the skills needed to self-regulate. This shift is essential for success at school, in social settings, and at home. When children can manage their own feelings and actions, they are better equipped to learn, build relationships, and adapt to new situations. For families and therapists, investing in both co-regulation and self-regulation pays off in more resilient, independent children.
How to Transition from Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation
Moving from co-regulation to self-regulation is a gradual, individualized process. The goal is for adults to fade their support as the child’s skills and confidence increase. Here’s how this transition typically works:
Model Calmness and Coping Strategies:
Begin by consistently modeling regulated behavior and coping techniques in the child’s presence. This might involve demonstrating slow breathing, using calming words, or narrating one’s own process for managing frustration.Offer Joint Regulation Opportunities:
Practice co-regulation together, encouraging the child to try strategies alongside the adult. For example, “Let’s take three deep breaths together,” or “Let’s find a quiet space and count to ten.”Introduce Choice and Independence:
Gradually give the child more control over selecting and using regulation tools. Instead of directing, offer choices: “Would you like to use your fidget toy or listen to music to calm down?”Fade Adult Support:
As the child becomes more comfortable, slowly reduce prompts and direct intervention. Encourage independent use of coping skills, stepping in only if the child becomes overly distressed.Celebrate Successes and Reflect on Progress:
Acknowledge every step toward self-regulation, no matter how small. Discuss what worked and encourage the child to notice their own feelings and choices.
Real-World Examples
Co-Regulation at Home
After school, Ethan, an eight-year-old with autism, is often overwhelmed by noise and transitions. One afternoon, he storms into the kitchen, throws his backpack, and starts to cry. Instead of scolding, Ethan’s mom sits nearby, takes a deep breath, and softly says, “It looks like you had a tough day.” She offers a favorite weighted blanket and gently pats his back. Together, they breathe slowly until Ethan’s crying slows. His mom models calm speech and gives Ethan time to settle, showing him what it means to regulate emotions together.
Transitioning to Self-Regulation
Over time, Ethan’s mom helps him learn simple strategies, such as squeezing a stress ball or using an emotion chart. On another challenging afternoon, Ethan stomps inside, but instead of crying, he grabs his weighted blanket and squeezes his stress ball. His mom reminds him, “Remember how we breathe together?” Ethan nods and tries it on his own. While he still needs support at times, he’s learning to calm himself—an early step toward self-regulation.
Self-Regulation at School
Maya, age ten, has practiced using deep breaths and a break card with her ABA therapist. During a noisy assembly, she begins to feel anxious. Instead of waiting for her teacher’s prompt, Maya raises her break card, signals she needs a break, and walks to the quiet area. Her teacher offers a thumbs-up from across the room, and Maya uses her headphones until she’s ready to rejoin. Maya’s ability to notice her needs and take action is a powerful example of self-regulation in action.
How to Support Co-Regulation
Supporting co-regulation begins with the adult’s own emotional state. Children are highly sensitive to the tone, posture, and mood of the people around them. Here are some effective ways to foster co-regulation for children with autism:
Maintain a Calm, Predictable Presence:
Use a steady voice, gentle touch, and neutral body language, especially during moments of distress.Provide Sensory Supports:
Offer tools like weighted blankets, noise-canceling headphones, or calming visual aids tailored to the child’s needs.Model and Narrate Emotions:
Help children recognize feelings by labeling emotions and demonstrating appropriate coping strategies out loud.Create a Safe Environment:
Establish routines and prepare children for transitions or changes in advance to reduce anxiety.Validate the Child’s Experience:
Acknowledge and accept emotions without judgment, offering reassurance and empathy.
Supporting co-regulation is not about eliminating all difficult feelings, but about teaching children how to manage them safely, with trusted adults by their side.
